From Shy to Fly: a Guide to Overcoming Shyness for Women


Whenever I Google “How to Overcome Shyness”, I always inevitably see many links leading to websites that teach men how to meet more women.

While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I was quite upset at the fact that there was not much information for WOMEN to become less shy.

To make things worse, I saw video after video by men saying that shyness was EASIER for women than for men, since women just had to dress up to get men.

I don’t know when you had your first relationship, but I was single for 22 years before I found my boyfriend. I’m engaged now, but I only accomplished it by getting out and forcing myself to meet people, eventually overcoming my shyness.

Today as a confidence coach, teacher, and author, I am going to show you 3 steps that helped me overcome my shyness.


#1: Be in environments where you will meet people

The number one tip that helped me overcome my shyness was not “be yourself” or “fake it til you make it”– it was actually a more subtle way that changed everything for me.

When I was younger, probably around 5 or 6, I would hide under the bed if company came over because I was THAT terrified of strangers.

Fast forward about 10 years later, in my teenage years, I would stay home and study instead of going out.

The biggest shift that happened for me when I actively FORCED myself to go out, whether or not I felt like it at the time or not, because the pain of not being able to socialize normally finally outweighed its benefits.

If you’ve been wanting to be more social for a while now, I would absolutely urge you to not be so harsh on yourself–instead, just change your environment.

Going to read a book? Read it at a cafe.

Wanting to stay in for the weekend? Why not check out a meetup group you’ve been wanting to go to?

Want to take a walk?

Why not stop at the gym?

Why not take a dance class?

As you can see the possibilities are absolutely limitless.

The first few times will definitely be more terrifying, but you may walk away with more contacts and friends and get one step closer to becoming more comfortable socially.


#2: Looking your best & accepting yourself

Look, let’s be honest here, the men do have one thing right–for women, most of the time when we look good, we FEEL better.

For a long time I blamed everything on my absentee father and tried to be as masculine as possible, hoping that somehow I’d gain acceptance since my family told me that as a Chinese female I somehow had to makeup for not being male.

But when I decided that I was an amazing, feminine woman, I decided to take care of myself.

I grew out my hair, I learned to put on makeup, I treated myself to some nice clothes–and guess what?

People started treating me better, I started becoming more confident, and a great virtuous cycle of me feeling good and being more confident and attracting more people snowballed.

I am not saying to completely change yourself, but if you’ve been wanting to treat yourself for a while to nice clothes, jewelry, a mani-pedi, a trip to the hair salon, then yes why not?

Your appearance is one of the easiest things to do and you may very well give yourself a kick start to a much more confident day!


# 3: Make Decisions From Your Goals, Not Your Fears

My third point may be the most difficult to grasp, but once you get it, you’ll be making decisions from a much different place.

What were your goals from New Year’s this year?

Was it to be less quiet?

Did you achieve your goals?

I’m not here to make you feel bad but I am here to urge you to take an honest look at how you make your decisions–

do you base it on how you feel right now?

If you are scared of talking to a stranger today, chances are, you’ll still be scared tomorrow.

The difference between people who are still letting their shyness control their life vs. people who have overcome their shyness is really only a decision.

The decision to talk to people, even though they are terrified with their hearts beating out of their chests every time they open their mouth.

The decision to drag themselves out of the room even if they are completely like a fish out of water when it comes to groups larger than 3 people.

The decision to actually DO the very things they fear, going to social clubs like Toastmasters.

Your fear is never going to go away, and that is ok.

What is not going to go away is regret–regretting spending your younger years when you had an easier time to change, regretting not approaching that one person who could have changed your life, and not regretting expanding your social life when you had the time and energy to do so.



To wrap it up, my 3 tips are:

  1. Be in environments where you will meet people
  2. Look your best & accept yourself
  3. Make decisions based on goals, not fears.

Did you enjoy these tips? If you’d like more, you can get more overcoming shyness and becoming more confident tips at



Li Lin is a Confidence Coach and the Founder of Li Lin. She went from extreme shyness in her youth from hiding from company to becoming a teacher, coach, and author that helps women go from their shyness to their flyness. You can check out her website at